well, that's what i'm calling them anyway.

i originally got the recipe here, but thought i would veganize it. so here is my recipe:

GRAHAM CRACKER BROWNIES:

- 2/3 c. almond milk

- 3/4 c. sugar

- 3 Tbsp. earth balance (or margarine or butter)

- 1/2 c. semi sweet chocolate chips

- graham crackers (10 sheets)

preheat oven to 275 degrees. 

in an 8x8 baking pan, crush 10 full graham cracker sheets. add chocolate chips.

boil 2/3 c of milk in sauce pan. in another pan, melt butter and sugar. once sugar is melted, add milk. stir and then pour 1 cup of liquid mix into the crumbs and chocolate mix. stir until liquid is evenly dispersed.

bake for 40 minutes. 

this is my favorite part. i literally crush the graham crackers with a hammer. it's so fast and easy. 

note: a package like this only has 8 sheets, so i usually add 2 or 3 more.

so as not to waste more time crushing, i eat all of the big chunks. :)

best. combo. ever.

i didn't take a photo of the milk because it was ready pretty quick. 

i could eat this as is.

ok, i did. 

little bit.

it's important to ONLY add 1 cup of the milk/butter/sugar mix. i usually end up with a big more. if you add too much, the brownies will be sticky.

which is ok, too.

sadly, these do not look that appetizing. i have to get the baking down first before i can do any fancy work to the finished product. 

but, they are really good!

if you noticed the title, then you know this is my third attempt at making these. attempt, as in, the first two times were not successful. the original recipe calls for condensed milk and it took me several tries to make the conversion. 

and even when i got the ingredients down, the math was WAY off.

good thing i have a math degree and was able to figure it out. :)

they are not as firm as i would have hoped, but maybe that's how they are supposed to be. next time, i will try even less milk and see if that helps.

enjoy. i know i will.

i wrote this a few weeks ago and have been hesitant to blog this story. i'm not sure why. i think i am afraid that no one would want to read about this and would never come back to my blog. 

so just to let you know, this is long. and prolly a little boring, too. 

let’s see if i remember everything...

i think it’s only fair to start with my walk the night before going into labor. yeah, let’s start there. around 7pm on the evening of april 20th, 2010 i threw on dane’s tennis shoes (none of my shoes fit by this time) and headed out the door. i remember dane was working late so i was pretty bored and lonely. 

i called nicole and we chatted about nothing (as usual). and then the oddest thing happened. i found an orange bubble wand. hmm. that’s interesting. i need that. i took a few more steps and found a miniature orange horse head. hmmm. that’s interesting. i need that. i immediately told nicole about my findings and we rambled and got lost in our exaggerated stories about the orange gods sending me a sign that caleb would be coming soon. i took about 20 more steps and saw an actual orange lying in the street. whoa. weird. i didn’t pick up the orange as it had begun to rot. 

well, that really has nothing to do with the actual birth story so let’s get on with it...

i arrived home and dane was waiting for me. he worked out while i made dinner. we ate. we watched tv. and we headed to bed. i didn’t fall asleep but laid there for two hours and then decided the bed was just not the best place for a sweating, round pregnant woman. the couch wasn’t much better but at least i had the tv. it was the first time my pregnancy kept me up. usually, i was excited to go to bed since i was starting to fatigue with all the weight i was carrying around. realizing that caleb could come at any moment, i decided it was best to head to bed to get some rest.

two hours later, my water broke.

and boy did it break. i was surprisingly calm when dane asked me about it. “yeah, my water broke, but go back to sleep since nothing else has happened.” i headed back out to the couch so that i could concentrate on my body without waking dane. about an hour later, i had my first real contraction. not bad. oh yeah, you have to time these. better wake dane. 

the plan was to labor at home and then head to the hospital once the contractions were about 5 minutes apart. after about the third one, they were ALL about 5 minutes apart! i started to panic a bit thinking about all the things i had read. beginning stages of labor is supposed to be slower. he’s coming RIGHT NOW!  he obviously did not come and i regret going to the hospital early. my nurse was very efficient, but had poor bedside manner. i was so stressed! not only was i laboring FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, i had her trying to tell me what to do every 5 minutes. for instance, at one point she told me i was going to put my baby in distress because i was standing up leaning over an exercise ball. seriously? i’m usually very mild tempered, but i got a bit snappy as my motherly instincts were already kicking in.

yeah, that’s what it was.

motherly instincts.

anyway, we arrived at 6:00 a.m. and i was able to change and walk around for the next hour or so, but realized i was most comfortable laying in bed on my side. the contractions were definitely increasing on the pain scale and i was so discouraged when my doctor arrived around 8:30 to check on me and estimated caleb’s arrival to be between 2 and 3 pm! what?!!? no. no. no. NO! i need for him to be here now. k thanks. 

i had such a hard time relaxing in between contractions. my whole body was shaking and i was extremely tense. they will suck the life right out of you! they take every ounce of your being. emotionally, physically, and spiritually. i chose not to get an epidural and everyone treated me like i was crazy. the nurse basically told dane and me that we wouldn’t make it through without one. 

“you have to be very strong”, she said in her evil, foreign accent.

but even though it was extremely painful, i am thankful that i was able to feel the whole process. it truly is an incredible experience. i could feel and see my body changing as he moved down the birth canal. 

labor became more intense around 10. the nurse came to check on me and thought i would be further along than i was. i remember feeling so disappointed and a little scared. is this really happening? breathe. breathe. breathe. scream.

but by 11 things were progressing a little faster and my doctor was called. yay!  i was exhausted, but i knew it would be over soon. i was blessed with a great doctor and was excited to have someone else in there on my team! she arrived and soon after she told me i was ready to push.

awww, my favorite part.

such relief as the pain of pushing trumped the pain of contractions. 

1:16 pm

finally.

the moment his little body was outside of mine, he was in my arms gasping with his little lungs for his new life source. i encouraged him to let out his first cry and remember the wave of emotion that came over me when he did. 

his first breath. 

his first sound. 

his first feeling.

and although he will have millions of more firsts, those were my firsts too and they will always be my favorite. 

i will stop here. all of the details after this are just like every other hospital birth. we were moved to the nursery side of the wing and had family and friends visit all evening. we were released to go home by 2pm the next day. we were exhausted. i didn't get any sleep for 36 hours AND i birthed a baby. needless to say, i was ready to be home without nurses and hospital beds. 

but i will leave you with two very raw photos. there were some more, but i still want you to come back. and i still want some of you to have babies. :) i remember kissing and hugging dane right after these photos were taken and i could just run in the living room and hug him again for taking these for me. 

i am up and at 'em this morning!

woke up at 5:30 to make lunch for oncor man, then eat breakfast, then feed bebe, then take a walk, then clean my entire house, then blog.

all before 9 a.m.!

ok, scratch that part about cleaning the house. that didn't happen.

but i really wanted it to...does that count?!?

anyway, i was hoping to be posting official 3 month photos of caleb today. we had planned to go to the park on saturday and dress him up and force him to do all of his cute tricks while i snapped away. instead, we decided to go swimming instead. so we drove to gorman and hung out with my family all afternoon/evening and took caleb swimming for the first time! my parents have a tank in their backyard. it is one of my most favorite places! i loved having it growing up (well, since age 14) and it brings such a peace to my soul every time i am able to visit and enjoy a dip during the hot weather!

my sister, michael and kinsey joined us. i had a great time watching kinsey play with all of the water toys, but i think she is ready for a swimming partner to play in the kiddie pool. she's just not quite big enough to be in the tank by herself. caleb and i hung out and played on the shore most of the time. i tried to take more photos this time around since the weather and scenery were so nice. 

anyway, we drove back late saturday night. i had every intention of doing caleb's pictures on sunday after church, but then i thought, 'really? let's be realistic here shari. when do you ever get anything done on sunday?" so....maybe next weekend?

that wet suit was on sale at baby gap. totally worth it. even if he did only wear it for 10 minutes. 

he loves being outside! (what kid doesn't?) he was watching overhead as the limbs and leaves swayed in the trees. he was squirming and talking and i just KNEW he was going to laugh! but, not yet...just squeals.

love this scene! and yes, that is a kite flying on its own! my step dad made that one for kinsey and he tied it to a pole and it flew the whole time we were there. 

i was a bit skeptical about this idea at first...but it worked! another one of my step dad's genius ideas! 

love LOVE love this series! these two are KNOCKOUTS!! and they happen to be related to me!

this was taken inside right after swimming in very poor light. i wish i had a chance to get a photo of them outside in the nice weather, but this will have to do. kinsey just loves her baby caleb. she likes to rub his head and ask why he does the things he does. :)

THERE HE IS!!!!

each day when i put caleb in his crib for play time, he studies each object on his mobile with this inquisitive and wide-eyed stare.

until that lion comes around...and his face lights up.

every. single. time.

happy 3 months my sweet, little man!

this month:

• you are sleeping ALL night long. you went from 7-8 hours to 10-11 hours at night! 
• you are nursing 6 times a day. we dropped two feedings since last month. even though you are feeding fewer times in the day, you eat longer averaging about 30-35 minutes.
• you became so much more vocal. you are using your 'words' to tell us when you are tired. you squeal at your animal friends on your mobile. the yellow lion is your favorite. you smile at him everytime he passes by. :)
• you copied me with your voice. we went back and forth with the same 'coo' about 10 times. i told dads about it and he got to experience it a few days later when you and he exchanged 'coos' about 5 times. it was amazing and so fun to witness!
• you found your hands and feet. you smile when you move them around. 
• you are raising your head a little better during tummy time. 
• the bumbo chair was introduced. you do really well for about 5-10 minutes and then your neck gets tired and you start to slump over.
• the animals on your floor gym were beaten more times than any other toy. you will grab them everytime i lay you down under them. 
• we made our first long road trip together as a family. you did great! you didn't sleep well being in a new environment, but by the second day, you were used to everything.

we could not be more proud of our baby boy! i love seeing him learn and grow each day all the while cherishing his baby days. 

i am exhausted.

and worn.

and tired.

wait, i already said that.

that's how sleepy i am.

most of it is matters of the heart. it just feels heavy. like it might fall right through my stomach and onto the floor. 

but some of it is due to lack of sleep. caleb was up early this morning which is unusual for him these days. and he has continued to cry quite a bit today.

i don't think there is anything more exhausting that listening to your baby cry. you know when you were little and you really wanted something for christmas so you started making deals with God? like, "God if you would just tell my parents to get me a new set of pogs, then i promise to clean my room everyday." anyone? no, just me?

well, that's exactly what i feel like doing when my baby cries. 

i realize i have nothing to offer the Lord in exchange for a peaceful baby and i think that is what has been getting me through. i serve a God who doesn't need anything from us. a merciful God. a grace giving God. 

a perfect God.

and if i fully trust that God is perfect and His plan is perfect and His plan for my life is perfect, then a crying baby is no longer an issue.

now if only i could somehow get caleb to understand this...

i am really excited about our two year anniversary this year.

last year, a day before our big anniversary date, we went to chili's to eat with some friends and i was poisoned! i didn't feel that bad when i woke up. kind of nauseous. i threw up a few times. i thought i was pregnant. funny thing is, i was pregnant but i wouldn't find that out until a few weeks later.

then i threw up again. and again. and again. i could barely move. i lost 6lbs that day. so, my evening was spent sleeping and recovering while oncor man tried to convince me to eat or drink something. the next day, our actual anniversary date, i second shot a wedding with brittany. looking back, i regret not setting aside some time to celebrate. even though i was sick, i should have blocked off that weekend for just the two of us. once UIL started through school, i rarely had an entire weekend off.

but this year is different! i have been planning and scheming for quite some time now. and now that i am blogging about it, you are probably thinking it's going to be some grand trip or expensive adventure.

nope.

we are doing nothing. that's right. NOTHING. for two whole days. 

i hope to take pictures of our nothingness and write up more about what i have planned after our anniversary. with a new baby and a tight budget it's very hard to plan a trip for just the two of us. so, i threw that out the window. maybe next year. or the next. but this year, we will be spending time together.

all three of us.

holly is staying with us for a few weeks while she attends a training for her certification.

a lot has changed since the last time holly lived with me.

different city.

new house.

a husband.

and a baby.

we had so much fun the summer before i got married. and although things are a lot different now, she is still the same friend. 

:)

Oncor man and i decided (last minute) to take a trip to brownfield, tx (outside of lubbock) to visit my dad and brother for the holiday weekend. 

little mans did great on the long drive out. we picked the perfect time to leave. rush hour and storming. awesome. we arrived two hours later than the ETA, but i thought that was pretty good considering the circumstances. now, the trip on the way back is another story. 

but what a great trip it was! lots of relaxing, eating, playing video games, napping, card playing, laughing, and relaxing...oh, i already mentioned that? well, it's worth mentioning again.

now for the photos:

dad had two jobs for the weekend. the first was chef and the second was rocking caleb to sleep. my jobs included nursing and, well, that's about it since my other job was taken by my dad (ok, so i played non stop with my baby, but that's not really a job). since caleb napped in austin's room during the day, the xbox was moved to the living room. austin and oncor man's one job? killing zombies. nazi zombies. oh joy.

we did get up to lubbock on saturday, but we only stayed a few hours since most of our friends went out of town for the holiday. who does that anyway? we had our hopes set on watching toy story 3 at the drive-in on saturday night, but lubbock, as well as the rest of texas, was still receiving rain from the hurricane down south. i didn't mind though. we both LOVE the rain. it's the best excuse to stay cooped up and read a book or nap. 

sunday, dad grilled lots of goodies and then we headed out of the city limits so the boys could blow things up (fireworks). OH! and my other brother, brian, and his wife, shelbye, came for dinner and the show, too! sheblye is the one holding the sparkler in the photos.

hope everyone had a great holiday!

my life is perfect. i just want the records to show.

i am not perfect. oncor man is not perfect. caleb is not perfect (almost). cleo is not perfect.

i can find error in everything we own. in fact:

our house is old. the car needs automatic locks. i wish we had a weed eater for those nasty weeds. 

and the things we do:

exercise needs to be more of a priority. so does sleep. so does the amount of time we spend reading the word and praying.

but if you add up all of these imperfections, you will find that my life is pretty grand. unblemished. absolute. sublime. whole. complete.

and it’s because i have oncor man.

and caleb.

and cleopatra.

i am thankful for our house. and our car.

i don’t mow the yard anyways, so the weed eater can wait.

exercise will come when i figure out this whole baby thing. same with sleep.

thankfully praying is something you can do for free and at all times.

my life is perfect. and i just wanted the records to show. 

he thinks i am soooo funeee!

(not really...he'll pretty much smile at anything these days)

but do not let these photos fool you...he is NOT actually laughing yet. we are working on the sound part. 

auntie 'cole gave him that hedgehog onesie so i had to get a few photos.

(if you send him cute clothes i can GUARANTEE a special mini shoot for you...just sayin')

what a sweet little boy. he was so calm during our session and let me move him around quite a bit. 

i love fresh baby skin. so soft.

thanks denise for allowing me to photograph your new baby. i cannot wait to see where our two boys will be in a few years!

caleb had his two month wellness checkup on friday and he weighs 10lbs 4oz!!! we are happy he is finally gaining weight at a steady pace.

also, he is sleeping through the night. he has slept over 7 hours the last 4 nights.

these are a bit out of order chronologically, but it's better than nothing, right?

1. grandma henson and caleb -  this was lisa's second visit to see caleb (her first was when he was 2 weeks old). there was one point during their visit when caleb was laying on his baby gym and lisa lay beside him. she was talking to him and he smiled non-stop for what seemed like 20 minutes! it was the longest stretch of smiling and cooing he has had. so adorable! 

2. caleb sleeping on dads - i had been holding him for about 30 minutes which is usually plenty of time for him to fall asleep. he was a bit more gassy than usual so i handed him over to dane. after another ten minutes of attempted burping and squirming, he finally crashed. and he happened to do it in the most adorable way. 

3. caleb and grandpa henson - this was barry's FIRST time to meet caleb. it was a great meeting, too. caleb smiled the instant barry started talking to him. it was so sweet. and adorable.

4. auntie 'cole and caleb -  this was nicole's FIRST time to meet caleb as well. when i was pregnant, caleb would really kick and move when nicole was around. he really responded to her laughter the most. it was fun to see the same reaction now that he is OUTSIDE of me. and she surprised us by flying in! we had no idea she was coming and then BAM she was standing in my bathroom on wednesday when i was giving caleb a bath! it was so great! 

5. cleo and caleb - you can't really see this as well as i had hoped, but it was a great moment. cleo seems to only visit me when i am nursing (prolly because this is the only time i sit on the couch) so caleb doesn't get a chance to really 'see' her. this time, she came to visit right after nursing and caleb was just watching her and smiling at her. cleo was more interested in a good ear rub than caleb's nonverbal signals, but it was still adorable nonetheless.

6. caleb and great granny gayle - we headed to the lake yesterday, but had to stop and see granny. he was, of course, all smiles again!

7. caleb and guns up - he makes this gesture all the time! it's like he points at us and says, 'listen here, parents'. adorableness.

8. caleb, grandpa layne, and uncle austin - hanging out at the lake in our old home, the trailer. we had a great time seeing everyone. and caleb loved being loved by lots of new family members!

9. caleb before church - i just loved this little shirt on him (it's a size 3 mos!). he's been so small that all of his cute clothes just fall right off of him. it's nice to be able to put him in something other than a onesie...although, this was a bit big...but it won't be long before it's too small!

he really is the perfect baby. he always lets me know what he needs and is happy when his needs are met. i love him so and i am so thankful to be able to stay at home with him and love on him all day. (a big thanks to my Oncor man for allowing that to happen!).

• have had two separate growth spurts. one at 6 weeks and one at 8 weeks. during these, you ate every two hours (or less!) and did not get much sleep. they lasted for about a day and then you caught up on sleep the next day. you still eat every 2.5 hours (except at night) and average 8-9 feedings a day. have slept on average about 12 hours/day. this is a few hours shy of what you should be sleeping so our goal for this month is to really keep track of those hours! 
• are only waking once during the night! you usually sleep from 9:30pm - 3:30am (with a dream feed at 10:30) and then again around 6am. you and i usually take a nap around 7am just to get an extra hour for the day! 
• found your favorite places to sleep. they include: moms, dads, and your bed. you will only take catnaps in your car seat if you are extremely exhausted. 
• smiled for the first time! and then began recognizing us and smiling each time we talked to you. you also just started smiling at your toys. it is so fun to peek in on you during your play time and see you smiling and ‘talking’ to your mobile. 
• loved bath time! you never once even cried in all the baths we gave you. you haven’t smiled yet either as you spend most of your time trying to figure out what we are doing to you. but you love looking around in the bathtub! 
• are able to be ‘by yourself’ (not being held by someone) for longer periods of time...about 25-30 minutes. after that, you start to get tired and fussy and it’s time for a nap! your different playtime activities include: singing, hanging out with moms at the computer, baby gym, mobile time in your crib, morning time in bed with dads, and the swing.

caleb meeting auntie nicole for the first time! she surprised us and flew in today while her parents are here!

caleb loves his family. and he loves when someone will take the time to talk and play with him! he smiled and cooed for the longest time while dane's mom was talking to him. it was wonderful.

what a happy and pleasant baby to work with!

perfect skin. perfect eyes. perfect smile.

perfect session.

what a sweet baby he was for me! 

my favorite part was in between shots when he had his eyes open. i love watching new ones try to decipher what is going on around them in the world!

i will have a few more of these next week.

here is another one of my favorite blogs.

how about orange

it has the perfect amounts of design, DIY, and time wasting quirkiness. 

my kind of blog!

enjoy. 

just one for now.

i met up with our college friends, casey and kelly, to take some photos of ava at 6 months.

she is such a happy baby! and has beautiful blue eyes!

more to come!

here is caleb smiling at dads again.

man, he is funnee!

caleb is asleep and i have all my chores done! 

how am i spending my time? well, wasting it on this AWESOME site.

www.thematernallens.blogspot.com

it is a blog hosted by five different mother/photographers. i prolly enter a contest every week on this blog! i have never won, but that's beside the point. they give away some pretty spectacular things in both the mom and photographer categories. they also post beautiful photos from their flickr group (which is made up of followers of the blog).

anyway, just another time wasting blog for you to get sucked into.

:)

caleb has been smiling so much this past week. 

i loved this image of him smiling at dane (who was prolly singing the star wars theme) in bed late saturday morning.

happy happy happy.

mike and denise are a couple in our bible study. and they are having a baby in about a week! levi is going to be caleb's best friend! 

we went to a few places for a little mini shoot to get some photos of these two before they are a family of three. these two are friends...and by that i mean they have so much fun together and they are truly comfortable with each other. which made my job easy. mike kept denise smiling and happy and i didn't even have to tell one of my lame jokes.

thanks guys for a fun afternoon! 

last night i went over to my friend viv's house for a girl's night in. we had great food and great conversation. 

so i decided to make dessert for the occasion. i have really been in a cooking/baking mood lately (not sure how long that will last). i made dinner every night this past week and even successfully cooked my famous avocado omelet (ok, it's not famous...but it will be). i also decided that i will be making a slow return to my vegan diet. i have been eating at least one vegan meal a day (sometimes two!) and i am going to do a much better job this time around sticking to it! 

anyway...back to the cookies. i found the recipe from this little lady. i am soooo excited about her book coming out in november later this year. 

here is her recipe that she shared here:

2/3 cup canola oil
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup maple syrup
2 tablespoons applesauce
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 375°F.

Stir together the oil, sugar, syrup, applesauce and vanilla in a medium-sized bowl.

Add in flour, baking soda, and salt (no need to sift!). Stir in chocolate chips. If the chips don’t want to stick to the batter, use your hands! If the dough is a little dry, gradually add a small amount of soy milk, maybe a couple teaspoons, until it holds together.

Drop by large spoonfuls, 3-4 tablespoons each, onto a cookie sheet and slightly flatten. Bake for about 10 minutes or until the edges are golden brown.

(i used 1 cup of chocolate chips because i LOVE them!)

every thursday night we meet with our home group (or bible study group) through CityView Church. they are such a great group of people who love the Lord and are just fun to be around. i especially love all the ladies. there are four moms in the group now and it is so helpful to compare stories and receive encouragement. 

last night was hang out night at shaun and roxi's house (cause they have a pool!). i brought my camera this time, but only got shots of the kiddos! by the time everyone else arrived, caleb had decided it was nap time. i didn't have the heart to put him down until right before we left. he's just so easy to cuddle with!

maybe next week i will get more photos of my friends, but for now enjoy photos of caleb and jane (and her stunning blue eyes). i can't wait until caleb is old enough to go swimming, too!

here is anna (jane's mom) holding caleb. anna, i think you are ready for another one!

today was caleb's one month well check. he did fabulous despite our interruption in our feeding/wake/napping routine. he is still not at his birth weight, but at least he is gaining. 

i just wanted to share a few photos. the first is of the band aid covering his needle wound (first shot...not his first band aid). and the second his of his eye color. i REALLY wanted them to be blue since he got his good looks entirely from his father. but, again, dane wins this one since they are hazel (dane has brown eyes). but they are OH SO beautiful!

on saturday we celebrated my niece's 3rd birthday.

she loves mickey mouse clubhouse so, of course, she had a mickey themed party set with a mickey pinata and a mickey cake!

my friends tara, stephanie, and lauren are wonderful blogging moms. i love how they write about each of their kiddos and record their milestones on their blog. so, i'm stealing that idea so that we can look back and remember this time and how fast our little man is growing.

caleb, 

you are 4 weeks old today! i cannot believe it was just 28 days ago that your dad and i met you for the first time. since then, we have had many ups and downs but we have made it through!

this month you:

• met most of your extended family...even grandma lisa who lives in california! you are always so polite when everyone holds you. you usually fall asleep immediately.
• lost too much weight! today, you probably weigh around 8lbs. we are hoping you are back up to your birth weight soon!
• were in the hospital for five days with a staph infection. you had two separate IVs and 5 different catheters to collect urine. you also had a sonogram (just like the one i had when i went to see you!) to look at your internal organs and an xray done of your bladder. 
• are very curious about your bright colored toys. you study the contrast between the colors. sometimes, you really start squirming and it makes me think you want nothing more than to hold the toy and taste it!
• have been stepped on by your older sister, cleo. she finds your boppy pillow to be the most comfortable place to sit...while you are nursing. sorry bout that!
• you have acid reflux. it's called 'silent GER' because you actually don't ever spit up, but we can hear something in your esophagus and you get very, VERY angry when we lay you on your back.
• LOVE your pacifier. your dad and i pretty much loathe that thing, but we understand you need it right now since you have been under so much stress and pain.
• stopped screaming during bath time. you still don't like to be cold, but once you are in the bath you relax and are calmed by the running water. we are so thankful your umbilical cord finally detached. it makes bath time so much easier for mom and dad!
• have made great strides in sleeping patterns since we have been home from the hospital. so far, you are your parent's son and like to go to bed sometime between 10 and 11 pm. you usually take one really long nap for 3-4 hours, wake up and eat, lay on my tummy for about an hour and then fall back to sleep for about 2 hours. you sleep in your bouncy chair since the reflux permits you laying on your back. we hope the reflux medicine we ordered will help you sleep a bit longer during the night.

we love you little man and we are so excited to see what the next month will bring!

little miss remi was born a day before caleb. i was really worried this session was not going to happen. 

but i am so glad that it did! remi has beautiful skin and was an excellent little sleeper (after she got her wiggles out the first hour!) 

i wrote out this long, heart-wrenching story about our stay in the hospital. and then i forgot to save it.

so, how about the short and sweet version?

-due to his wound around his circumcision, caleb got a staph infection

-that infection caused a urinary tract infection

-that urinary tract infection caused a 5 day stay at cook children's hospital

-that hospital stay caused lots of tears from this new mom

worst time of my life!

but, we made it through and i know i am stronger for it.

ok, now that i am a mom, you are going to see lots more posts like this one. there have been some amazing inventions for the baby humans and i'm gonna thank them by writing about them to my interweb friends!

first up - the famous moby wrap. my friend lauren zaffos got this for us and i am forever grateful! 

on top of being in the hospital, we are now thinking that caleb is showing signs of colic. i wish i would have known this sooner because without the help of mylicon, my moby wrap, and the dryer, i STILL would not be getting any sleep. and my baby would STILL be screaming.

anyway, there are several different styles of wraps. the fabric is phenomenal. it's 100% cotton and has a bit of a stretch to it. even though it looks complicated, it is actually extremely simple. i have been 'wearing' my baby for three hours now and i feel the wrap is just as tight as when i first tied it. also, you look fabulous in it! haha. ok, maybe not.

i tried to find a decent photo on their site to steal, but this one will have to do.

here we are working away on the computer. i am so so happy he is sleeping because he just hasn't been getting enough! when we went back to the ER on friday night, he had a massive sty on his left eye from stress and no sleep! but i am thankful he is feeling better. 

i realize i kind of cheated on my 101 in 1001 days list when i wrote "have a baby". i was already 7 months pregnant when i made the list so it was bound to happen someday.

and i am so thankful he is here because we have had SO MUCH food! thanks to some wonderful ladies at our church City View (and both of our moms who came to stay with us), we haven't even had to THINK about what is for dinner each night. i think our last meal is tonight and i'm pretty sad. our fridge will no longer be this full. and i will have to start cooking again.

our friend vivian not only made us a delicious pot roast with amazing veggies and salad, but really went all out on this fancy dessert. it was so awesome! and pretty. 

so yeah, just another reason why having a baby is the best thing that ever happened to me. :)

so here he is.

my little caleb.

i have an entire blog all to myself...free to write whatever i wish...and here i sit with nothing to say. there are no words to describe my feelings. no way i could fully explain how he has completely taken over my heart. 

he. is. perfect.

8lbs 8oz 23in

wednesday, april 21st

1:16 pm

i am currently snuggling with my Danefant (everyone says he looks just like him) so i only have one hand for typing!

more later...

many of you saw sneak peaks on facebook of my mother-in-law painting these canvases. i got the idea from an artist on etsy. the blue one is my favorite. i still need to name them.

the crib is from my sister and the one my baby niece used. it worked out perfectly that she is old enough for a 'big girl' bed now.

notice the sheets? from giggle.com. a gift from my mom.

the bumper is from babies r us. a gift from my grandmother.

and i just ordered a white cribskirt from amazon.com

you can see the swing behind the door. dane's mom got that at a resale shop called "That's My Baby" here in fort worth. along with a bouncer and baby bathtub (all for about $40). i originally found them on craigslist where i bought his changing table ($40). 

orange lamp ($24) - ikea

blue table ($15) - walmart. i'm not sure if they have these anymore. i bought it several years ago for my classroom.

max the monster ($24) - curly q cuties

shelves ($2 each) and photo frames ($1 each) from ikea.

my sister made those felt monsters for my baby shower and i stuck them on white mousepads ($1 each...also from ikea). 

the frames are for future artwork from caleb. i just painted some orange/blue inside because i was tired of looking at blank frames!

dresser (free! from our friend corby). this was dane's dresser in college. lisa repainted it orange and we found those white knobs at home depot ($5? maybe? can't remember)

abacus and caleb's name in blocks were gifts at my lubbock shower.

orange magnet strips ($2 each?) - ikea. soooo thankful for my ikea gift card from my family!

changing table ($40) - "That's My Baby" resale shop in fort worth

canvas ($16) - hobby lobby

orange baskets ($6 each) - hobby lobby

i made those monster faces using photoshop. i just had them printed through my lab as photos.

thank you again friends and family! it took me forever to really make a home with decor and appliances and the sort. and in just a few months, you have helped me create an entire nursery fit with EVERYTHING he needs. not just what is on the walls or in the photos, but what is in the closet, bookshelf, and drawers. i cannot brag enough about you. i keep telling dane that i feel bad that we haven't 'bought' anything for him, but he just reminds me how awesome our family is. 

so, there is my little boy's nursery....all for about $100. :)

i love giggle.com. cute cute things.

unfortunately, i do not have the money.

so my mom bought these sheets that i have had my eye on ever since i decided to go with orange/white/teal for caleb's room.

aaaand look at this packaging! pretty sure 50% of the cost is just for packaging. but, it made me feel special nonetheless.

the nursery is 90% finished and i will have pictures soon!

from my 101 in 1001 list....

we bought a car! 

i was really hoping my little camaro would hold out for a little while longer, but since it quit on us we had to get another 'baby' car. 

after searching for months, we found this little ford focus and we are really liking it. best part? WE OWN IT! no payments!

this is my sister. 

she will be graduating from Tarleton State University next month and I could not be more excited! she wanted some photos for announcements so we ventured down one street in dublin, tx to capture a few shots.

my friend, sherre, told me about this site where you can make custom monsters. they also have other funky creatures like moggins and splatopusses. 

now that we have an official address, i decided to order a monster for bebe. i have been debating for months what i should him give just from me. 

a monster is an appropriate baby gift, right?

here are some miscellaneous pics of what we have been up to this past week.

dane's mom, lisa, came into town from california to help us get things organized and set up the nursery. i had asked her to paint some canvases for the wall (she's an amazing muralist. trust me and click here to see for yourself). then at the last minute, i decided i wanted to paint dane's old dresser as well. needless to say, we kept her busy the entire week. we only gave her a few short breaks to check in with dad. :)

now she is gone and there is still no baby.

i am 38 weeks today and anxiously waiting for caleb's arrival. with every kick or minor contraction i think, 'is this it?'. 

my last appointment was on thursday and from the sono, he is measuring about 39 weeks. he is already 7lbs 10oz (and yes, i know this is not 100% accurate) so i like to think he is as ready as i am!

and the nursery is almost complete (thanks to grandma!) but i still need a few things so i am holding off on photos until later.

some flowers i picked up at ikea for our new table. i think they best represent being somewhat 'settled'. it's nice.

dane playing with his new droid.

the one break we gave her so she could chat with nicole about her honeymoon. also, our office still looks that way. bleh.

painting the monster canvases after church. do not let this photo fool you, mom did 95% of the work! she is so talented!

working away in the nursery...putting up curtains.

friday after work. tiiiiiired. but handsome, too.

and i CANNOT wait to show you the end result of this project! 

ok, well, cleo hasn't really changed much. she is still as lazy as ever and super spoiled as we let her outside whenever she wants! 

if you remember, dad bought dane and me an HD video camera for christmas.

after fighting the software issue for months, dane finally found something compatible. this is his first little video he made from our easter egg hunt last weekend (so this is primarily for our family). he only had about 15 minutes of space and he was primarily just 'messing' around. i think he did such a great job!

i can't wait to see what he does with footage of our little man!

well, not yet.

but come may 15th, she will be the newest member of the tarleton state university alumni!

last weekend during the easter festivities at granny's, i stole her away for about an hour to take some photos for her graduation announcements.

i will definitely be posting more of these later. 

last night, dane and i decided to drive down to dublin for an easter egg hunt at granny's house. i wasn't sure if we would be able to make it as i have been trying to squeeze out my baby these past few days (nothing yet). but, we made it for egg dying, egg hunt, dinner, photo shoot with my sister, and just great hanging out time.

thought i would post these for my wonderful family. i'm going to blame it on the 9 month pregnancy waddle, but in reality i'm sure i would not have been able to keep up with the kiddos while hunting eggs in a 'normal' state. so, needless to say, i didn't get many pics. 

most of you know that nicole is my sister. well, my sister in law. but she might as well be blood related as we are the bestest of friends.

originally, she asked me to stand beside her while she vowed to marry joel in her dream beach wedding. on the day she got engaged, she called dane and me on skype and soon started talking about details. "i'll get your dress, shababe! don't you worry about it since you have to fly out to california." and my heart sank as i already knew i was pregnant (we had not told anyone yet) and would be 9 months pregnant at the time of her wedding. not only would i turn down her bridal party offer, i did not know if would be able to go at all!

well, obviously, i made it. since it was a last minute decision i was unable to take part in the wedding so i volunteered myself as ginny corbett's second shooter. what better way to be involved than photographing every moment? and what an honor!

this is the most unique wedding i have ever been to. since i was the second shooter, i let ginny handle all of the details so make sure you start following her blog now so you do not miss some incredible photos!

i am not even going to try to describe the event. it would be pointless. so, just look at the photos!

funny story about this photo. joel and nicole were walking ahead of us and then stopped dead in their tracks. they were soooo still. i motioned to ginny that they were praying and that we should give them a moment. well, after a few minutes, i decided to make a wide loop to get around them and realized they weren't praying at all! they were watching a gopher come out of his hole! being nicole, this didn't surprise me at all!

the handsome groom. i thought he did a fabulous job picking out wedding attire for him and his groomsmen.

one of my most favorite parts of the ceremony. if you have every been to the northwest coast of california, you know it can be a bit chilly around the time the sun sets. so halfway during the message, nicole started shivering and joel stepped up and wrapped his arms around her and they finished the ceremony that way.

during the family photos, nicole stepped to the side to let joel get some shots with his side of the family. i was gathering people to get ready and just looked over and thought nicole looked stunning (and glowing!) in her beautiful gown with this backdrop!

this was immediately after the ceremony on saturday evening off the coast of monterey bay. ginny and i grabbed them for a few quick portraits and i just loved the colors and the mood of this one.

i will have many more to post soon!

i cannot rave enough about my great friend, ginny corbett. i have been so lucky to have seen her two times this month even though she lives in north carolina. 

i knew i wanted a FEW photos during my pregnancy for our baby. i didn't necessarily want an entire session because i'm not exactly proud of my body right now (not looking for sympathy posts here, just trying to be honest). if you have ever been pregnant, you know what i mean.

so, once i hit the 8 month mark, i kind of decided that maternity pics were out of the question. 

then, we went to california for nicole and joel's wedding and found the MOST gorgeous places to photograph the wedding party. while 'scouting' these places, ginny set me up as the model to get a feel for the lighting and composition. i played along and was still very nervous about how they would turn out.

and i could not be happier! she is AMAZING. she made me look and feel so beautiful. and she even captured a few of dane and me during this special time. she is such a great friend and knew that (even while i was still unsure) i would appreciate these photos and so she did everything she could to make it happen!

i also second shot the wedding with her. last night while downloading cards, i saw some of the most amazing portraits from being on the beach of the beautiful couple and wedding party! FOLLOW HER NOW to make sure you do not miss these photos!

www.ginnycorbettphotography.com

www.ginnycorbettphotography.com/blog

love you friend! thanks again!

i had to post some photos from my baby shower this weekend so as not to bum everyone out about how HORRIBLE our monday was!!!

bullet style, shall we?

• called atmos energy to see what the hold up was on our gas. found out they have a few technicians that are LIARS. wasted 20 minutes and good battery power on that conversation.
• flooded the kitchen about 15 minutes later. took me over an hour (and 14 towels) to clean up my mess.
• after work, dane heads back over to our trailer to meet the tow truck to pick up my car (oh yeah, my car broke down two weeks ago!) and realizes that i have the keys.
• his truck is having issues so he takes it to the dealership. they want to keep it for three days. they must not follow my twitter because then they would know that would be impossible for us to do since we only have one car. duh.
• on his way home, he gets pulled over. expired tags. $109 citation.
• by the time he gets home, we have about 45 minutes until we have to leave for our birthing class. he plays his xbox (his new, free one) for 44 minutes. you know, until it quit working.

we were so afraid of even going anywhere or doing anything!

but birth class was totally awesome and just what we needed! with a little over 4 weeks left until bebe's due date, we are excited to start focusing on our what is about to happen in our lives.

and now for some photos. my family (mom's side) got together and hosted a baby shower for me here in fort worth. it was so awesome. they went with caleb's nursery theme and did monsters! i know how hard it is to find monster stuff, but they did such a great job with the decor! check out the cake! thank you so much family!

but she is so cute that it hardly matters!

i wanted to open up a bit more and allow you to see why i love photoshop! because sometimes (ok, LOTS of times) i take bad photos. especially working with kids and newborns. and i can guarantee that i have taken more bad photos than you. 

this first shot is SOOC (straight out of camera) and is considered, by me, a bad photo. her face is way underexposed while the background is still blown out (meaning lots of white space). usually, i would just delete this and count it as a loss and move on to the next photo. but, this is KINSEY!!! she gets special treatment. and i just loved this expression so i thought i would give it a little extra TLC in photoshop.

so, i am going to attempt to walk you through my process by using screenshots while describing each step. now, i am by no means a photoshop expert so i don't even feel qualified to teach you about anything in length, but i do have some easy, helpful tools that have worked for me since i began using photoshop (and, of course, the Totally Rad Actions are a must for me!)

(oh, and for the text and photos to match up, you HAVE to go to the original post on my blog. so, if you are reading in Google Reader, just click on the title. or else this will be very confusing.)

step 1. open in Adobe Camera Raw and make some minor adjustments. i couldn't get the screen shot to show correctly, but you can see where are all of my sliders are set.

step 2. open in photoshop. i already decided to convert this image to b/w. just a personal preference. you can do the same thing in color. to do the conversion, i just used Boring Old B&W action from Totally Rad Actions. 

step 3. i then used the Yin/Yang from the same action set and used the brush tool to lighten her face and eyes and also darken her jacket. 

when painting for 'light', i only paint at 20% opacity. and only about 40% when painting 'dark'. 

moderation is key, people.

step 4. i then noticed that she still had bags under her eyes so i used the clone tool @ 14% opacity. i selected a lighter area underneath her eyes and then preceded to paint the darker area. i only use the clone tool at 10 -14% most of the time for the eye area or blemishes. 

step 5. then, i sat back and examined the photo. i was pleased with the outcome, but i thought it needed a bit more so i added a contrast layer for a little more 'pop'.

step 6. and then i went back and lightened her right eye a little bit more as well (again i used yin/yang at 20%).

step 7. i then saved an original file and then used Sharpen for Web from Totally Rad and resized for the blog.

and just to wrap it all up, a before and after side by side.

now, with all of that said and done, i just want to emphasize how important it is to expose correctly in camera...before you even dump the photos onto your computer! when i first switched to digital, i thought photoshop was what it was all about. i would spend hours editing a session because i would have to go in and 'fix' every photo. i now have learned to use photoshop as an extra tool and that it will only make good photos better (and the occasional bad one, too!) as i have learned more about shooting manual and exposing for any occasion.

i know there are a lot of you just starting out and are trying to learn everything at once. i understand. i was there. but if i could tell 'starter' self one thing it would be to learn more about photography first, then learn about photoshop. 

i hope that made sense.

:)

what a wonderful wedding!

what a couple, what a ceremony, what a PARTY!!!

thank you jennifer and fernando for making me WANT to shoot more weddings. you both just made everything so easy and i felt my 'work mode' just melting away when i was around you. thank you for that. you make a beautiful couple and i wish you all the best!

and a big thanks to my good friend, ginny, for flying in to help me! 

aren't friday nights the best? i feel so great after a full day of work and yet, i have the ENTIRE weekend ahead of me.

so. great.

and how do we spend our friday nights? usually at home, just hanging out. we might go grab something to eat and head back home. we might watch a movie or an episode of some TV show. or we might just veg out on our computers...like i am doing now.

ramble. ramble. ramble.

we found a rent house. we spent maybe 30 minutes walking through it last night so i have no photos, but i really like it. it was built in the 70's and has hardwood floors. it's a little bigger than our house in lubbock and has an extra bedroom for bebe. i am excited to get our office/studio set up so i can start photographing babies again (without having to travel all over the place!). so, if you know of anyone who is expecting soon, then get them in touch with me!

i am excited about the move even though i will miss our little trailer. but, it has become necessary to move out even if it's for the fact that we no longer can handle the constant whining from our cat. she is driving us insane. i feel so bad for her, but it's just not safe to let her outside all the time. sometimes, it takes all of my being not to yell at her or throw her a short distance across the room. don't judge. she is CONSTANTLY meowing. this sounds soooo petty when i type it out, but i am so serious when i say that i can not even hold a phone conversation because of her. EVERYONE over the phone can hear her because she is so loud. she will meow for HOURS and then take a 10 minute nap and then continue whining for HOURS!!!!!! but, soon enough she will have more space and we will regain some sanity.

i also have been debating on whether or not i will take on more weddings. this has always been a tough one for me. especially since moving. i miss having a job. and i miss photographing on a regular basis. i just like to be around people. i have been so blessed that the weddings i have done have been 'low key'. no bridezillas. no stressing out. and just an overall great party. so, if you and your wedding fit any of this criteria, then let me know. we might be a nice match!

i am just now starting to read up on the labor and delivery process. if you know me, then you know that i (mostly) learn by reading and individual study. but, for some reason, i have not been interested at all in reading too much about my pregnancy or how to have this baby. i just kind of let God handle everything and really listen and pay attention to my body. but, now that we only have 6 weeks i feel an urge to at least practice breathing and be somewhat prepared for what is to come. oh, and i finally started doing prenatal yoga instead of a regular workout. i thought the title 'prenatal' automatically made it easier! what a joke. i was grunting and whining the entire time! my goal is to complete every move in the next six weeks...we'll see. haha.

dane is really enjoying his job. today, he really impressed a very experienced colleague and just continues to impress me everyday. he has always been a great husband, but he always felt there was something missing since he was unable to totally provide (financially) for our family. now that he is able to do so, i have seen him REALLY stepping into a more traditional role as husband and it just suits him so well. 

ok. that's all.

this is for jennifer, the bride.

she requested a little sneak peak of her beautiful day.

they were such troopers when we took them out for their portraits and they were up for anything! always my favorite kind of couple!

jennifer - your wedding made me WANT to photograph more weddings. i had such a great time and if every bride was like you, then i would DEFINITELY commit to it!

more to come later.

february is a short month so i wasn't 'obsessed' with much and some of my obsessions from january carried over as well.

1. ikea.com - who doesn't love ikea? i always have, but once we started looking at houses, i visited this website almost everyday adding things to my shopping cart and getting ideas. and now we live close to one!

2. sweet tea - i CRAVE this stuff! i usually get water at restaurants, but the past two weeks, i have been looking for restaurants that i know serve great sweet tea! true texan drink.

3. ohdeedoh.com - i couldn't find the logo, so i posted this nursery photo. i LOVE this site. they have fabulous nursery ideas and great DIY ideas for the kiddos! 

4. Jell-O - mmmmmmmm. so cold and yummy. and not that many calories! my most favorite dessert in february!

what have you been obsessed with?

bullet style blog because, yes, THAT many things happened:

thursday--

• almost to lubbock when dane calls to tell me my car is broken. he is now left the ENTIRE weekend without transportation. sorry babe!
• stop on the outskirts of lubbock because, well, i'm pregnant and i HAD to use the restroom. walked out of the store and saw my great friends Jerry and Amy!
• called millions of friends (yes, i have that many friends) and NO ONE answered or called me back (ok, i guess not).
• waited around for several hours and chatted with my friend kelsey for a bit until ginny arrived at the airport.
• headed over to lauren's where we immediately headed out to mcdonald's for a midnight snack.  
• talked and laughed until about 3 in the morning

friday--

• breakfast at sugar brown's with memoree. 
• then two hours later, we had lunch at double dave's. lauren z and brittany were added to the mix and it was awesome. 
• i parted with my friends for the evening and headed to brownfield to watch my little bro at his baseball game.
• stayed the night with dad and austin

saturday--

• slept in late and headed back to lubbock after lunch
• stopped by lauren's to get those photos i posted! she decided to dye her hair for vegas! (oh, and it looked AWESOME, but this was seriously the ONLY time i took photos the entire weekend of just my friends. i know, i'm lame).
• talked about wedding schedule with ginny and then set out to get ready.
• at about 4:00, i started noticing some swelling in my ankles and calves. ginny laughed (as any friend would) and then proceeded to massage them.
• left for wedding at 5:00 and did not return until about 1:00 am.
• soooooo tired. and still very swollen.

sunday--

• up early and said goodbye to my photographer friends and headed over to mindy's to get ready for my baby shower!
• baby shower was a success and i really enjoyed seeing everyone who was able to come. my friends are so creative (oh wait! i have some of those pictures, too...lemme go get them and put them here as well!)
• was getting ready to load up all my presents and start heading back to arlington but i, once again, noticed my feet were pretty swollen.
• i put up my feet for about an hour and it didn't seem to help so i ended up staying one more night in lubbock.

monday--

• arrived home!!!!!!!!!!!!
• i was so excited to see dane and my kitty. 
• decided that was the LAST trip to lubbock by myself for a LONG time!

this little man had me running around ALL over! after the session, my legs and feet were completely swollen and i was exhausted. i definitely underestimated the toll that pregnancy takes on women.

but, i really enjoyed the exercise and the conversation with rohan. he has such a great imagination!

and i got some AMAZING sleep that night!

this is our cat, cleopatra. she hasn't made an appearance yet on this blog.

in the last 5 years or so, she has gone from being an indoor/outdoor pet to just primarily indoor. but, she really enjoys exploring outside (like most pets...and people). this desire has increased tremendously since moving into the trailer. she sits at the door, scratches the screen, and YELLS at us in the evenings to let her out.

so saturday, the sun finally came out and we decided to let her roam around for awhile. i told her she could only go outside if she would pose for me.

i tried to get her to look at me, but she prefers the more natural look. 

most of my baby sessions take place indoors which causes for a little bit different processing (for me anyways) after the session.

so, i am going to do the best i can in explaining my process for these photos.

1. one MAJOR difference between baby shoots and other sessions is that they are shot in RAW. 100%. the reason? i like to make minor changes to exposure, contrast, and saturation in Adobe Camera Raw. since i have made changes to these things in camera when shooting in JPEG, i find they are a little harsh for baby skin. but, it's all in your preference.

2. so, once i upload all of my photos, i take a look at them in Bridge and weed out all of the closed eyes and drooling photos BEFORE i even start editing/proofing. 

3. then i pick my favorites and take a step further than just basic proof editing in ACR and open up in photoshop. (adjust exposure and contrast if needed)

4. then i do this: (but only with the help of the Totally Rad Action sets)

a. run yin/yang (from set #1) and lighten/darken where needed @20%

b. then i use the clone stamp @15% to get rid of any flaky skin or baby blemishes

c.. run boutwell magic glasses (from set #1) @60%

d. run oh snap! (from set #1) @40%

e. save

wow. when i put it in a list like that, it makes it sound like such a short process! haha.

like i said, this is the process for baby photos. i really like for my baby skins to be softer and not as contrasty (is that a word?) as, say, an engagement session with more vibrant colors.

if you have more questions about my post processing, i would LOVE to skype with you in one of my Share Shops where i go into detail EACH step and walk you through how to use photoshop tools. (check out my website and click 'workshops' for more details...or just email me!)

happy weekend everyone!

first of all, THANK YOU all so much for taking the time to come to my blog.

i would love to do more contests for all of my faithful readers! i so appreciate you.

here's what i did: 

1. i went to random.org

2. entered in the numbers 1-17 (that's how many people commented)

3. #1 was assigned to the first commenter (by date) with #17 being the last commenter.

4. and then hit 'generate'

this is what it gave me!

so, congratulations crystal! email me: info@sharihensonphoto.com with your address and i will send you your gift card! 

thanks again everyone for playing!

i cannot even describe how much i enjoyed this session.

haden, just like at his newborn session, was the perfect model. everywhere i propped him, layed him, set him, was OK by him. he is not quite 3 months old and i was surprised to see how strong he was! 

also, he talked to me quite a bit and i caught some of his expressions that are some of my most favorite images to date! what a cutie!

(read previous post for blog contest details. win $50!!!)